What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t show up? “Someday my prints will come.”
What do you call a fake noodle? An im-pasta.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office…I will find you. You have my Word.
Heard the one about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
What do you call a fish without eyes? A fsh.
Why should you never write with a broken pencil? It’s pointless.
Why can’t ants get sick? They have little anty bodies.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
***********************************************************************************************************
Stevie Wonder in Tokyo
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the
ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord!
Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an
E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a
Jazz chord."
A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band
around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a
Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"
Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the
stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord………. to say…….. I ruv you..."
*************************************************************************************************************
Wise Old Woman
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
************************************************************************************************************
George Carlin Quotes!
( For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...A few statements to ponder )
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . .
is he still wrong?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
*********************************************************
What do you call a fake noodle? An im-pasta.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office…I will find you. You have my Word.
Heard the one about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
What do you call a fish without eyes? A fsh.
Why should you never write with a broken pencil? It’s pointless.
Why can’t ants get sick? They have little anty bodies.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
***********************************************************************************************************
Stevie Wonder in Tokyo
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the
ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord!
Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an
E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a
Jazz chord."
A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band
around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a
Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"
Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the
stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord………. to say…….. I ruv you..."
*************************************************************************************************************
Wise Old Woman
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
************************************************************************************************************
George Carlin Quotes!
( For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...A few statements to ponder )
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . .
is he still wrong?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
*********************************************************